The heater was blowing balmy breeze at the duvet from the end of the bed. It started raining outside and we could make fog with our breaths. I couldn’t tell if the bedsheets were damp from humidity or just too cold. A couple walked past and their tiny silhouettes were projected on the curtains like a shadow puppet show. Their conversation was inaudible but for a few seconds, their laughter was included in our movie until it slowly faded as they walked further away from the window.
Memories of a few similar nights whiz across my mind in snippets. He came over for Christmas, for just 2 weeks. Everything was quiet and still. I remember we talked in low whispers. We didn't want to be louder than the rain or the soundtrack of the movie, or our heartbeats. Those nights were so cold we had to hide our freezing faces under the blankets when we slept. He came up on top of me, and in pitch darkness his hand searched for my eyelids, my nose and my lips. He held my face and brushed his thumb across my cheek. We were so close that I felt his warm breath on my lips. He whispered something to me that I can't remember now. I lifted the blanket so I could see him. Again, lights penetrated the thin curtain cloths and illuminated one side of his face. Tears were gushing out from his blue eyes like there was an ocean inside he couldn't hold. It was his second-last night in Hong Kong. "I don't want you to leave," I said with a shaky voice, slightly louder than a whisper. He said something back that I've already forgotten. But I remember it was lovely.
That night I dreamt that we were standing at two separate and opposite cliffs of a rock pool with water at the far bottom; it was crystal clear. We took off our clothes and stacked them up in tidy piles. He jumped into the shimmering water and made a huge splash. Then I went in headfirst without fear. We held our breaths and went under together. Rays of light travelled through the water in straight and parallel pillars. I was hypnotized by those unbroken lines. Our hair was floating, our noses blowing small bubbles and our limbs dancing freely in the clear blue. Everything was in slow motion when we were submerged underneath - blinking, smiling, waving… It felt like time would wait. He swam towards me, trying to hold my hand. His face was close to mine, and his eyes became one with the water, extending the capacity that could finally contain the entire ocean. He tried to say something to me, but I couldn't hear it through the muffled sounds.
I gestured him to go back up so I could hear him say it. Then I went up to gasp for air, waiting for him to appear from beneath. I wiped my face with my hands, and looked for him everywhere above the water. But he wasn't there. I went back into the water and searched for him again in panic. He wasn't there either. I swam around the area, through boulders and over corals, going deeper and further. He was gone. I went up for air again, and the floor started to grow higher and higher and it became mud everywhere until I realized I was stuck in quicksand. Using all my strength, I broke free from dirt, and secured myself on solid ground. I saw my clothes still piled up neatly there, clean and untouched. On the other side of the quicksand where his pile of clothes were supposed to be, was now empty. I was soaked and naked, panting with tears, sweating with the chills.
A twitch in my sleep woke me up from that nightmare and dawn was already breaking outside the window. He was sleeping soundly beside me. The room was filled with dim orange sunlight. The laptop was still open and the heater was still running low at our feet.
"I gave you my world."
He said that when we were saying our goodbyes. He said a lot of other things too - all of them I'd rather forget.
But now I remember that's what he was trying to say, too, when we were in the water.
